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[20 Jun 2009|10:03am] |
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I never expected of myself to be a good mother. I am one now though. A mother that is. I'm not going to say I'm a good mother because I'm not sure if that's what I am but I'm a mother and I'm doing everything I can to keep my little girl happy and be a better mom for her then my mom was to me. It makes me sad Gloria will never know Debs and just how much of an amazing woman she was.
Debs was more a mother to me then my own mom was She raised me and told my dad to come over as much as he wanted. Something my mom didn't want to happen. My mom has always been a terrible person. Someone who cared more about herself then about her children. When the news of Gloria reached her she wanted to meet her "granddaughter" I told her to have a granddaughter she had to be a grandmother and since she was never a mother she simple couldn't be a grandmother. I told her that to me he was dead and that I never wanted to see her again. I found out later that she, after I told her to go away and never contact me again, tried to talk Jon into talking to me and make me be more reasonable. Hearing him tell her he supported my decision and agreed with me that it was better if Gloria never found out about her made me happy. What I loved most was when he told her to just fuck off and do whatever it was she did instead of all of a sudden showing interest in her children. He told her that being a mother means you are always there for your child and are always interested in them. Not just when it's convenient and I agree so much with him on that.
When Gloria came into my life I was so scared to fuck up. I was scared I'd do something wrong and that she'd get hurt. I read every book I was able to get my hands on and I think I nearly drove Jayne insane with all the questions I kept asking. I'm glad I was able to call her though because if I hadn't had help from someone with experience I wouldn't have known what to do. Don't get e wrong Jon is an amazing father and when he came to her bedroom and she took her first steps toward him we were both so incredibly proud. She held out her arms to him said "Daddy" and went on over.
She's growing so fast and if there's one thing she loves it's playing games with daddy. Especially pointing at body parts when we ask her where it is. We're using easy books with loads of pictures and cards to teach her more words and she seems to really enjoy it. Going shopping with her can be a nightmare at times because she really doesn't like to be in the car for a long time. I am glad she doesn't stick her crayons in her mouth anymore though and that she loves to draw. It's a passion both Jon and I share so we hope that maybe she'll end up loving it as much as we do. As well as music but we have decided that we'd encourage her to do things she likes and not push her into things like some parents do with their kids.
The time off lately has been something I enjoyed greatly. There's no pressure to focus on anything music wise so basically I've been able to just enjoy being a mom. It's why I'm gushing so much about my daughter probably. I love being a mom but I can't see myself stopping with my band though. MSI means too much to me to give it up. I love performing, being on stage and even being on the road far too much to walk away from it. Sure there will come a day I won't be able to be the stage animal I'm now and there will come a day that we all know it's better to throw in the towel and call it quits but I don't see that happening any time soon. Someday yeah but not today, not tomorrow and certainly not for another 5 years to come.
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[13 Dec 2008|11:56pm] |
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....... No.
Just... NO.
I don't care what that fucking policeman says it's not true! It just simply fucking can't be. She's 68! She's not old enough to be dead already. I refuse to believe this.
She can't be dead. She just can't be.
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[19 Nov 2008|07:35am] |
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As a musician it seems to be considered weird when you're actually going "Hell yeah no touring!" well consider me weird then, though I'm sure a lot of people already do, because I'm loving the fact I don't need to climb into a bunk that's far too small and high and having to climb over Jon in the middle of the night to go check on Gloria. Seriously Jayne I have no idea how you do it but I'm giving you a big round of applause for managing to do it.
I'm glad to be at home with Jon and to just relax on the couch doing nothing but watching Gloria sleep or play in her pen and when I look at her, or more when I see Jon sitting in the rocking chair holding her while she sucks on her bottle I realize how lucky I am. I haven't done much to deserve him in my life. I know that. I've never been the easiest person to get along with as jealousy has gotten the best of me at times. I've hurt others more then they deserve and even though I've apologized for what I've doe I know that no apology ca take away the pain. I could beg for forgiveness over and over but sometimes when something is broken it's better to just leave it be instead of trying to mend the pieces back together.
I'm sure there are people here who agree with me that Jon not only an amazing man is but also an amazing father. The way Gloria smiles when he picks her up can light a whole room. And oh her laugh when he tickles her belly or makes weird faces at her is a sound I love hearing. I know how to make her laugh as well but Gloria is a daddy's girl. That much can be said. I'm looking forward to everything that's going to come. I can't wait to see her stand and take her first steps and I really hope I'll be there when she does. She's sleeping through the night already though both Jo and I still wake up during the night regularly and end up checking on her only to see she's sleeping soundly her hand clutched on her pandabear and sometimes sucking her thumb.
I'm gushing like a proud mother and if anybody would have told me I'd someday do that I'd call them crazy. I didn't ever think I'd be a mom. I did dream about t. I wanted to be someone's mom ever since I was little but well when my cancer hit me I didn't think it was possible. I'll be glad when June comes around so I know for sure I'll be cured. There's still that slight fear which will probably never go away but I know that if it would happen again I'd fight it and this time if it does returns I won't be pushing away the people I love because I know I'm stronger with them then I ever was without.
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| Private entry |
[06 Apr 2008|04:23pm] |
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I'm getting sick and tired of all this shit. You say one thing and bam everybody jumps down your fucking throat. I'm getting sick and tired of this all. I'm glad tour is starting. I'm glad that for the next two months all I have to worry about is playing, signing autographs and getting my picture taken with fans.
I could write about everything I'm dealing with and perhaps I should. I'm going to make this a private entry anyway. I used to have my family to fall back on. No matter how many dumb things I did my dad was there. Now that he's gone I've seem to do one dumb thing after another and it seemed to have spiraled down even further after Henrietta died.
After hear death I've done so many things I shouldn't have done. I told Owen I loved him and maybe I did in a certain way but the love I felt for him back then was well... nothing when I compare it to the love I feel for my Damian.
I guess that's also something that comes in with being a problem. He deserves better then me. I can't help but sometimes think I should let him go. I don't deserve a man as amazing as he is and he sure as hell deserves better then the headcase I am. I kinda hoped Allie would be that person but he wasn't. Maybe he'll meet someone who is right for him in those two months of touring. Someone who can give him what he deserves.
I hate my heart. Twice it decided to start again. I wish it hadn't. Nobody knows that. Nobody knows how much I wished for that article in the star to be reality. Nobody knows that every morning I wake up I hate the factI have to great the morningstar one more. I dream every night of my father. I dream walking with him along the shore like we did so many times. I hear him play Chopin for me as he sits behind the piano and I ly beneath it to hear the sweet sound of the music better. To have it completely fill me and then there's always the part where he tells me he has to leave and how I ask him if I can come with. For a while I follow him. I get close to the light but then it gets so bright it wakes me up and I realise I'm still here and that the light woke me.
I have to let Damian go. It's all I can do. He deserves happiness, a family and I can't give him that. I need to stop being selfish and give him a chance to live the kind of life he deserves. A life I can't give him.
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[03 Apr 2008|12:22am] |
After the fight, after everything that had happened in the past few days RoZ's breaking point had come. She hadn't even meant to snap as she had done. she had not meant to make elysia feel like crap but it had happened. She needed her Solace, her place of comfort and now that Jon was busy with his sound check the closest she got was that bunk they shared. She knew his laptop was in there. He didn't mind her using it. They always shared their stuff though he had made a special account for her on it. As she opened it she knew she needed to get some words out. she needed to talk to people important to her. She didn't want to bother Archer or Jayne though seeing as Jayne was touring and she knew the kids were sleeping and a phone call could wake the little ones. Debs was off to Jersey to visit old friends so when she realized she couldn't really spill her thoughts to just about anybody she thought of her father. she missed him. More then she even thought possible and for that reason she decided to type up a letter to him. she'd mail it to herself later so she'd be able to print it out and bring it to his grave where she'd burn it. He had told her that the smoke would cary the words to the dead and that way they'd always arrive. Not that she ever believed in it but she knew that if she burned it at least no one would ever find the letter either.
Dearest dad,
It's been a long time since I've written a letter to you. Normally I visit your grave and talk to you there yet here I am, sitting in the bunk I'm sharing with Jon and typing up this letter.
I've been dreaming a lot about you lately. Mostly about the day I came home and told you I had broken up with Jon. I remember you looking at me and asking me why and when I told you how you exclaimed I was an idiot. I was scared I was going to die. We talked about it for hours and I remember telling you that the reason why I broke up with Jon was because I didn't wanted to be selfish. He deserved happiness, a family and everything his heart could ever ask for and even if I lived I probably wasn't able to give him that. The doctor had already told me I'd have a small chance of ever having a child of my own so I truly believed he deserved better then me.
I guess back then I believed those words to be true. When you told me that honesty would be the best thing to say and that Jon would be there for me if I needed him I knew deep down those words were true and I said that but I also told you I didn't want to be selfish. You told me that sometimes being selfish is what everyone should do to get a shot at happiness. I've been selfish in past relationships. I've been selfish and have only thought about myself and my happiness and not that of other people as well. The only times in a relationship were I wasn't selfish was when I was with Jon. I think that's because no matter what I still want the best for him. I want him to be happy.
I've come to the conclusion that when I'm with him I feel a sense of calm and serenity. When he has his arms around me at night or just holds me I know that's this place I want to stay for the rest of my life. I might not be able to give him a child of his own but he knows I love him. He knows that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and as long as we have that I'll be happy.
I should have listened to you when you told me that I should have told him how I felt all those years ago. I asked you so many things during the time I had with you. I guess I didn't want to burn my fingers. You told me though that no matter how many things you'd tell me that I had to live and learn. I guess we both know that's exactly what I did. I made more then my fair share of mistakes. I did so many stupid things in my life but you told me that no matter what I shouldn't regret them. "No matter how many mistakes you make Rose, don't ever regret them. Mistakes are things that remind us to never do certain things again and if you want to learn and grow mistakes are exactly the things you are supposed to make. Sure you don't always mean to make them and sometimes you wish you didn't but like I said, you need to make them to grow in life. Live and learn darling, live and learn."
I'll never forget those words. Through the years you've been gone I've always felt you were still near me. I miss you dad but I finally did what you told me to do. I told Jon I love him. I actually said the words and you know what's funny? I didn't really need to say them. He knew I felt that way about him already.
I have to tell you about Skylar. I still find it a bit strange to know I have a half-sister. Yeah Daphne pulled another stunt. Can you believe it? 3 kids with 3 different men. Well... 3 that we know of. With Daphne you never know. Maybe there are even more half siblings on this world that I don't know of. She's a nice girl though. I haven't gotten to know her very well just yet but I do want to.
I've been making too many mistakes in the past few months. If I have to be honest ever since you died I've made a whole lot of mistakes. Mistakes that embarrassed me, mistakes that hurt me, made me cry but most of all I made mistakes that hurt others. I've hurt my best friends I've hurt people who used to be my friends but I've also hurt people I don't like very much. I never realized I had done so in the past. I didn't even mean to but like you said, sometimes you do things you don't even intend to do. I could apologize for it over and over but it won't make any difference. She won't forgive me anyway.
I've tried for too long to get people to like me. It doesn't work and in all honesty I'm sick of trying. I got some nice people in my life that like me so do I really need to keep trying to get more people to do so? You always said that you can count your true friends on one hand, maybe two but never more then that. For me that is already true. I cherish my friends dearly.
Ciaran's birthday is coming up soon. I can't be at his party because of band commitments so before I go on tour I'm gonna say goodbye to my godson and my honorary niece as well. It's strange how much I miss them when I'm not around them. I never expected to get so attached to kids that aren't my own but I guess it's only normal seeing as how Jayne and I are really close. She really feels like a sister to me.
I'm going to end this letter. It's become much longer then I expected but I guess that's because I had so much to tell you. I'll write to you soon and I promise to come visit you before I leave for my own tour.
Love,
Your sweet little Rose.
Saving the letter so she could print it out RoZ got out of the bunk she and Jon were sharing. She wanted to shower wishing badly that perhaps the warm water would make her feel better. Of course the shower was occupied so all she could do to calm was go out for coffee. Looking around to see if there was anybody she knew she only saw Worm. She hoped he wouldn't notice her but just when she neared the gate she heard his voice. "Carrying about 10 coffees will be hard on your own. Especially with the crazies around." She knew he was right. she knew she couldn't really go out without a security guard anymore but she didn't always like it. Sometimes she wanted to be alone and it seemed like the only place of solace that she had during that tour was the bunk. Not that she complained though. She had found her place of solace right there. In Jon's arms she had exactly the kind of comfort she wanted and needed and she knew as long as he was there he'd make her dark days bright.
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[09 Mar 2008|05:44pm] |
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Mika: "RoZ... Do you know what happened to the coffee? We just bought a new pack yesterday."
Me: "Not right now but if you want I can stay up the next three days and look for it."
Perhaps I should back down on the coffee or I could just go back to being hyper as the amazing record company decided we should do more promotion in Japan. We're staying there till the 15th, which means I won't be home till the 17th but I don't mind. Things are getting better and the fact I'm having dreams again and not only nightmares when I sleep are great too. Sure I still have panic attacks but I'm sure they'll disappear with enough therapy. I have to let go of the thought I'll end up all alone behind me and trust in the believe it will not happen. I also keep getting memories to events that happened years ago. Both good as bad and I decided to write them all down. A blue album for the bad memories and a red one for the good. I can't help but smile when I read the red book. Thanks to the memories that come up so livid it's like those memories happened just yesterday. Perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to also read the blue book and not just open it to a blank page to write on. Those memories are just as livid but reading them makes me cry and that's really not something I wish to do at the moment.
I miss my two best friends. Yes I'm referring to Archer and Jayne as my best friends. I called Jayne and she was willing to listen to me. We were talking and at one point I honestly told her I seriously thought I had lost her and Archer forever. We were talking and at one point we were talking about our Three Amigos nickname. We realised that we all changed over the years. We're not the people we were back when we chose that name. We all grew up. All changed in good ways and as I need a new start we decided to drop the nickname we took when both Archer and I were alcoholic drug addicts and Jayne's life wasn't that great either. We don't need a nickname to remind us to the great memories we shared. We have each other and our friendship to do that. I've known Jayne for 7.5 years now and Archer for 5.5 years. For that exact same time amount we've been best friends. Even though our name of The Three Amigos is gone we'll always stay friends.
A new beginning means leaving the past behind you. It means moving forward in your life and not dwell on the past and all the terrible things that have happened. I'll of course keep the memories that make me smile. As soon as I get home I'll make another album. Another photo album to keep the memories. I got a few already but they're tour albums. This will be a photo album focussing on the good things that happened since I met Jayne. An album that will be filled with pictures to remind us to the good times we had together. Pictures of just the two of us but also pictures of us with Archer. Just an album to remember The Three Amigos in their good times so that I can soon start on a new album. A photo album that will contain the memories of the great times we'll have in the future as Jayne, Archer and RoZ. Best friends till the end.
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| Private to Jon Pandora |
[22 Feb 2008|12:42am] |
My darling Damian,
I hate how I'm leaving you but we're both touring and we both know I have to go but that does not mean I'm happy about it. I want to apologize to you for how I've acted the past couple of weeks. Life has been so strange for us and with everything that happened in the past few months I consider myself lucky to still have you in my life. I've disappointed you more then once probably and yet here you are, still being there for me.
I don't know what I've done to deserve such an amazing man as you in my life but I am so grateful to have you near me. You noticed I've woken up a lot in the middle of the night because of the nightmares I have. I get them because I'm withdrawing and I know the next month perhaps even next 6 weeks are going to be like that. It's my own fault though and this is what I get for having been an idiot. Still feeling your arm around me and hearing you tell me to just go back to sleep because nothing could hurt me as you were near and would make sure of that comforted me more then you could possibly even imagine.
After reading what Archer wrote in his entry I knew he was right. From the moment I saw you I felt a connection I never felt with anybody else before. When I thought of you I got a tingly feeling in my stomach. I still do. Back when we were together for the first time we never said those words that according to a lot of people are so incredibly important. We never said them but deep down we knew it was how we felt. I only had to look into your eyes to see that and the same was it with me the other way around.
Throughout everything that happened those feelings never changed. I've always loved you and I know I always will too. Nothing will ever stop me loving you and when you were gone I missed you like hell. It felt like I had lost a limb. I don't feel whole without you here and I'm going to miss you when we're separated but I know we'll see each other again. I am so grateful you'll always be here for me when I need you and I know I've done some really stupid things in the past but I want to change my life from now on. I need to act more responsible and stop making the wrong decisions in my life.
I know having you in my life has already changed me. With you I don't feel scared. I feel stronger and know I can concur everything that will come on my path. Knowing you'll always be with me in some way I know I can get through it all. You are my strength that gets me through the day. Knowing you love me is how I get by. The memories I have to you make me smile and laugh and generally feel happy.
I can't wait till it is March and I can feel your arms around me again. I'll miss you and you'll always be on my mind. I'll have my panda with me and that shirt I have of the unicorn and your name on it. I've slept in it the past few days, as I'm sure you noticed so it would smell like you. I want to have you near me though I probably sound like a stalker now. Sorry about that.
I'm going to end this letter because I don't think it's humanly possible to describe how much love I feel for you without sounding like a huge sap in love. Though I'm sure it would only make you smile and perhaps even chuckle.
Yours always,
Brit.
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[19 Feb 2008|09:14pm] |
Waiting for her plane to board RoZ grabbed her laptop from her bag. She was going to see Jon and she was happy about that. For the first time since she stopped taking them she hadn't experienced any panic attacks. She still had nightmares but that was normal. Not that she liked them because they were terrible. There were times she woke up screaming, crying or ended up staring straight ahead looking terrified but she always fell asleep again. She knew the nightmares were a sign of her healing and that they'd become less frequent over time but she didn't like time. She was wondering whether to write about them or to even write in her journal but she wasn't sure yet if she wanted to share it to everyone what had happened. In all honesty there was only one person who really deserved an explanation. Jayne. But how was she going to explain this? How was she going to write it all down so it made sense? In all honesty it didn't even make sense to her. Nonetheless she wanted to at least try to explain to her best friend what had happened. Even if it would take her the whole flight to Sao Paulo to write it she was going to try her best.
( Private letter to Jayne )
Reading over the letter for what seemed like the millionth time Roz couldn't think of what else to say. She had apologized more then once and tried her best to explain what was wrong and what had happened. All she could do now was post it and hope Jayne would forgive her for what she had done. Strange how it had taken her so many hours to write one simple letter. Then again she had been scared to write it and now securely on the MCR tour bus she felt safe at last as she knew tonight she'd feel Jon's arms around her once more like she so desperately needed. Perhaps tonight she would have no nightmares but if she did she at least knew she was safe.
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[06 Feb 2008|11:02am] |
Lying under her piano RoZ felt more alone then ever. Did he not see how much she needed him? No calls, no visits no comments. Not a single word. Sure she knew he was busy with work. She knew he had a tour going on but she had tried reaching out to him more then once. Did he not see it or did he just stop caring? Perhaps she was right. Perhaps he indeed had stopped loving her. At least romantically. Perhaps he still loved her as a friend like she loved her amigos but maybe on the other hand he didn't. Maybe she had heard what she wanted to hear. Maybe she was walking into it with her eyes wide open not seeing what was really going on. No. Jon wasn't like that. Jon wouldn't hurt her like that. He told her so himself. He loved her. It was in the past. He'd never hurt her like that. Then those words stood out. Those words that were playing on the radio and were being sung by him. "I don't love you like I loved you yesterday" Hearing them tears once more streamed down her face and she turned the radio off. Looking out of her window she wrapped her arms around herself. She walked to her porch and looked out over the ocean. The waves were beating on the shore and normally the sound calmed her but it seemed like she didn't even hear it anymore. Like she only saw the motions.
Her eyes glanced to the hammock. The hammock she and Jon had spent hours upon hours in. Holding each other and him comforting her whenever she needed him. Had those days gone past to never return again? Had he truly left her like she was so scared to happen? She was rocking herself back and forth until she finally sank down on her knees crying uncontrollably as she once more had a panic attack. She lay there for about 15 minutes before she calmed down. Another 15 minutes she had gotten up and was back under her piano going through her bag. So what she already had 8 Valium today? The stuff was obviously not working so 2 extra couldn't hurt. If they stopped her attacks she'd be happy.
After taking the pills she got up and changed into a black dress. She wanted to visit her father's grave like she did every year on his birthday and on other special days they had shared together. She didn't care it was the middle of the night. She had to go see him, sing the song she always sang for him and fall asleep on his tombstone like she had done so many years ago. The cab she had called arrived sooner then she expected and it seemed like time had no effect on her, as she didn't even remember the drive to the cemetery. She paid the driver, got out and walked to the familiar grave knowing the route to it blindly.
Standing there she kneeled down and softly the lyrics of "Papa can you here me?" from their favourite musical Yentl started to come from her lips. Tears were streaming down her face and she pulled her cloak around her tighter. The cold and the tears exhausted her and it didn't take long before she fell asleep, her head on the tombstone, her hair flowing around her face gently picked up by the small wind that was blowing around her and for the first time she felt a sense of peace and serenity fill her body again.
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| [[OOC warning mention of drugs abuse]] |
[04 Feb 2008|09:56pm] |
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Drowsiness, Suppression of REM sleep, Imbalance, Dizziness, Depression, Nervousness and in some cases it happens that someone stops caring about the important things in their life. Side effects of the medicine I'm taking and yet I'm taking it. Why? Because I hate my panic attacks.
Not many people know I at times have problems with being left alone. It's diagnosed as separation anxiety though it's not that bad that the doctor thinks I have the disorder. I have a hard time when people leave and I know it's for a long time. I end up having terrible nightmares thinking they left forever and are not coming back. When Jon left they got terrible and I got so scared I started to act like a huge bitch to people who didn't deserve it. I'm not blaming Jon for leaving though because now that I know the truth I know it's not his fault I had those attacks.
My shrink gave me Valium and it helps. I hardly ever have anxiety problems and I was scared I would have a panic attack when my Amigos left for tour but it didn't happen. I waved everybody off, hugged my godson and honorary niece and wished everybody a great time. I got a different dosage now as I was getting used to it so it needed to be upped a notch. It's okay now and I'm sticking to my doctor's orders. I still visit the shrink because the meds need to be checked every once in a while to see if they still work and the sessions really help. I'm finally dealing with my father's death and it's a good thing. There were just so many things I needed to deal with that I kept pushing off as I didn't want to show my weaknesses but I knew I had to deal with them eventually. I'm glad I had the time for it now and at this moment all I really worry about is the tour and everything around that.
Pressing the update button RoZ was looking around her room. She was alone scratching her arms and legs to try and get rid of the itching feeling she had thanks to the withdrawals. She was nervous and the ashtray was filled with more cigarette buts then she could count. Even though she was getting sick and tired of waking up every morning with a hangover when she hadn't even touched alcohol she kept taking those pills. Her doctor had told her to take 4 a day max but RoZ had gone up till at least taking 8 already. She was addicted to them but there was no way in hell she was going to admit to it.
She was glad she was home alone. Her amigos were touring, Debs was visiting some friends in New Jersey and Jon was so busy with getting ready for his tour through South America which meant they had barely spoken too. She missed him. Terribly even but she was scared. Scared she had lost him forever. Sure he had told her he loved her but that didn't mean she didn't have the fear he'd fall in love with someone else.
Letting her body fall back on the bed she stared at the ceiling once more. Sure she already had 6 but those 2 extra wouldn't hurt right? Rolling over she pulled open the draw of her nightstand and reached in the back feeling around for the bottle of pills she knew was there. Finally feeling it she let out a happy sigh and grabbed it. Looking at the bottle she noticed there were only two pills left and she wouldn't get a new bottle till next Monday. She really had only one choice left. Picking her old address book from the same drawer she looked up Roman's number, grabbed her phone and started to dial the number she never expected to dial again. "Roman? It's RoZ... Yeah just shut up will you? I want to know if you can get me Valium or not. ...You can? Great. I'll see you in thirty minutes at the usual spot. Bye."
With one press on the button she ended the phone call and got up from her bed. She put her hair in messy pigtails like she usually wore her hair before she shoved her sunglasses over her face. She was looking like hell but like about everything lately she didn't even care anymore.
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[25 Jan 2008|09:11am] |
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Tweak says, "I'm insane, taunt away."
*Private*
Sometimes when I visit my shrink I wonder if he's a quack or not. I wonder if he knows what he's doing. He tells me he wants me to get better and that I have to tell him what's going on but how can I when I sometimes have no clue? I sometimes have a hard time trying to remember things. I have headaches, I'm nauseas I wake up every morning with a goddamn hangover and I don't even drink alcohol anymore and it's pissing me off but at the same time I've seemed to stop caring about things that are important to me. Debs even called me a lazy bum because I spend most of my time in my hammock doing nothing and only occasionally reading. It's like I've stopped caring about everything that used to be important to me. I look at Jon and know I love him but it's like I stopped caring about it. Like it doesn't matter when deep down I know it does. I'm scared he'll go away and leave but at the same time it wouldn't even surprise me if it happened. Yeah he's back and yeah he still loves me but third time isn't always a charm. I look at secrets and all I do is shrug. I pretend to care but I don't. I look at my friendspage and read the updates but I hardly comment because I don't know what to comment with. I've stopped caring or I'm sure that's how it seems to everyone when it's not like that.
My shrink keeps saying it's side effects and that they'll go away but it's been more then a month now and they're still not gone. I got sick of it and threw them away but I found myself 6 hours later with my hands in the trashcan trying to find the pill bottle because after missing a dosage I was already going crazy with itching. Plus I had another panic attack and I took these pills to get rid of them.
I hate these panic attacks. I keep seeing myself ending up all alone and it scares me so much that I freeze and then fall down and start to rock myself and I burst out into tears. It started when Panda came back. I've had them before but when he came back and told me he still loved me they became worse. I'm glad I don't have nightmares anymore. I sleep but I don't dream and the Valium keeps them, my insomnia and my panic attacks at bay. That's why I keep taking them. I'm not a big fan of drugs, I've been addicted before, but as long as this helps I'll take them.
I know the pills made my reaction to my sister's appearance seem tame and like it was just something that happens everyday. Like I'm not even surprised Daphne pulled her same stunt again. But it's a good thing I guess. It makes it easy because it means I don't have to tell her how fucked up I am at the moment. If Skylar thinks I'm happy she's here, and I am just not ecstatically, then at least I'm not giving the idea she's not wanted.
I'm losing touch with my amigos and now they're going on tour I'm really scared our friendship won't last. It's stupid as it lasted through the worst of times but it feels like Jayne's slipping away from me. If I didn't have those pills I'd be a huge wreck but I'm lucky. I guess. I don't even know anymore. It seems like I need a higher dosage but the doctor won't give it. I'm going to sit it out till next Monday when I have my next appointment but if he doesn't want to up them I have no other choice to call Roman and that's really the last thing I want to do.
*End private*
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[28 Dec 2007|07:53pm] |
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Early in the morning I get woken up by the waves crashing on the shore and then I open my eyes and look out my window seeing the sun still rising over the ocean. I love waking up like that. It's so silent, so peaceful and I know why I decided to move back in with my grandmother. There is nothing like the beauty of the sea. Every day the tide comes up and it goes down washing away what's written in the sand by people who, just like me, walk on the beach.
The wind blowing through my hair and the smell of salt makes it easier to forget what's going on. So many things have happened these past 5 years. I met some wonderful people but I also ended up hurt quite a few times. 3 years ago I made a stupid decision and I have to live with that. I have to live with everything that has happened since the day my dad committed suicide by shooting himself through his head died. I made some wrong decisions and I basically turned into someone that wasn't the real me.
I thought that the live I was living if staying at home, playing piano or bass or sometimes guitar, reading or sometimes just staring at the sealing or the night time sky with it's hundreds of stars wasn't a life I should live. I was told I was a hermit and that I should go out more but back then staying at home with my friends while watching a movie or talking all night long was good enough for me. Then all of a sudden things changed. My whole world was thrown upside down and I didn't knew how to deal with it. I started to do things people expected of me. I went to parties, clubs, got drunk, danced my ass off and basically went home with whatever guy there was. I dated sometimes but I never got into a serious relationship. I didn't want to get attached and end up hurt again.
I hated who I was. I hated that I didn't even seem to be my own person anymore. I just did what people expected of me. I'm in a band so I should try drugs. I'm in a band so I'm supposed to fuck groupies. I'm in a band so I'm supposed to get pissdrunk every night and wake up with a hangover. Things were going the wrong way and then Henrietta died. She had always been important to me. She thought me to play piano, bass, guitar, sing and even write my own stuff. She always believed in me. Encouraged me on when I most needed it. We talked at least once a week on the phone for a whole hour. Sometimes even longer when something excited had happened. I loved her dearly and then she passed away. Back then I had a friend who was there for me, no questions asked. He just held me in his arms and gave me the feeling everything would be okay again. Even though we're not friends anymore now I'll never forget that. I'll always be thankful to him for that.
I recently came to the conclusion that my old life wasn't so bad. I enjoyed spending long nights on the beach looking at the stars. I enjoy walking down the shore listening to the waves crashing on it. I enjoy being able to have the wind blow through my mind and my hair and make me think of nothing more then the fine mist of water that splashes my face. I like spending time in my hammock or on the rocking chair on the porch, curled up under a blanket while I read or listen to my grandma reading a book to me. She likes to do that. Sure my life won't be that exciting anymore, or well others might think that, but to me the peace and the serenity I get from it is so calming that I wonder why I ever even gave it up.
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